How To Spend Christmas With Family Without Drinking A Bottle of Jack Daniels

This could just be me but I doubt it! You may have only a 2-shot family.

All of the names in this post have been changed because I am embarrassed for you to know who they are.

Christmas was spent with our grandparents alternating locations annually. First, one grandparent and then the other.

I have two older brothers, Rusty and Roy. My parents were into the R thing. When I came along they were over the R thing and named me Pamela, long for Pam.

My parents, Blane and Rosie, were reasonably normal. They both had blue collar jobs. They still had the same house we grew up in and were perfectly happy and content with their lives and with each other.

Both Rusty and Ray were married, Betsy and Regina, and each had 2.5 kids. The wives were both pregnant. They had corporate jobs with titles google would have trouble figuring out. They had all arrived in appropriate Mercedes from their perfect 3 bedroom 2 bath house with a fenced in yard.

I am not married, I don't have any kids. I have 2 dogs. I have never worked a 9-5 job and I live in a van.

Betsy and Regina never got along. There was always some competition. Today it was about whose designer outfit was the best. My wardrobe came straight from Goodwill. I was proud of it, too. Great finds.

After much bickering about what food went into which dish. Betsy and Regina were one-upping it about who brought the best store bought dish. I was afraid one of them had brought sushi. Both of my grandfathers would have had a heart attack.

Rusty and Ray were in a corner talking in low voices.

Once everyone settled down and chairs were chosen, it was time to say grace. Everyone looked nervously at each other until landing their eyes on our church going grandmother. She threw the ball at my grandfather and said the man of the house should say the prayer.

A few muffled words and looks around the table with everyone holding hands and Grandpa nearly shouts. "GOOD GOD LET'S EAT".

Around the table the conversation turned into talks about daily life, what the kids have been doing and the usual stuff.

As I knew it would, the conversation turned to me.

So. Pam. "Tell us, when are you going to settle down and get a real job? "

"I have a job"

Regina spoke. "Oh, and what kind of job is that, dear?"

(I had the Jack in a flask in my back pocket.)

"I am an affiliate marketer and I write children's books for Amazon Kindle"

Everyone turned to look at me. Ray spoke up. "No Pam. We mean a REAL job. You have a degree"

I pretended I had something sticky on my hands and excused myself to go wash them. I ran the water while 2 shots left my flask.

I was hoping the conversation would have turned but that wasn't my luck. Everyone was waiting for my return.

This was going to go about the same as if I was the only dog lover in a room full of cat lovers..

"I know I have a degree but I feel as though that was mostly wasted time and money. I love what I do now. I get to see the country and workat my own pace. I make as much money as I need. It is very inexpensive to live in a van."

We had finished Christmas dinner and everyone was sitting back loosening their belt buckles when Betsy spoke up. "Well let's see that van of yours."The whole room shook its head in unison.

Let me take a minute and tell you about my van. It is an 18' Mercedes van I bought used from Fedex with 320,000 miles. White spray paint from Walmart covered the logo. Mostly.

A friend had helped me build it out and I had a bed in the back. My kitchen consisted of two cabinets up and one down that held the sink. I had a 5 galloon container under the sink to catch the water. My Coleman cookstove also sat there.

I have installed two windows, one of each side and a ceiling fan. My refrigerator was a dorm frig from Walmart for $69.

On the wall across from sink I had some odd shelves I got at a yard sale and made curtains to cover them. I stored my clothes in some of the cubbies and food and toiletries in the others.

On the very bottom I left room for my 5 gallon Home Depot bucket and a 2 gallon plastic orange juice bottle complete with funnel for my bathroom.

I had a portable power station and solar on the roof to keep it charged.

That was the extent of my living arrangements. But it was my home and I loved it.

Thus my hesitation when everyone popped up from their seats and headed for the door.

My medium sized dogs, Floyd and Martin were sleeping on the bed.

At the best of times two medium sized people could fit in the van at one time without having to squeeze by each other. Regina and Betsy pushed forward to go first. Neither of them were medium size people and they were both pregnant.

My grace saying Grandpa tried to squeeze in. It was comical to see how that didn't work.

I finished off the flask as I waited while my home was being invaded by cicadas. I could hear the dogs barking and loud muffled noises on the inside.

Everyone took their turn going in and out, except my mom and dad. Dad had helped me with a couple of things I didn't know how to do.

As one, they turned to me and asked, "Where is your bathroom?"

I took a deep breath and said, "I poop in a Home Depot bucket and I pee in an Orange Juice container."

Everyone was bugged eyed and Regina started hyper-ventilating. I thought she was going to pop that baby out on the front lawn right there in front of us all.

Someone got her a bag to breathe in until she calmed down and then they all streamed back into the house with low grumblings all around.

I heard a few things....

"I can't believe anyone would live like that."

"And she has a degree and is so smart."

"Where does she stay all of the time"

"That is too dangerous and she shouldn't be doing it.?

Mom and dad stayed behind and gave me big hugs and mom said "We are so proud of you. Go and have fun and have the greatest adventures of all time. We love you."

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove away. Tears of joy for my mom and dad. And tears of sadness that the rest of my family will never understand what it is like to be a nomad.

I didn't finish my Jack. I thought I would save it for later when Floyd, Martin and I watched the sunset from our spot in the woods.

Merry Christmas from Pam and Coco

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